I knew that managing my mother’s care through her cancer battle would be taxing emotionally, exhausting physically, and spiritually bankrupting. I thought maybe it would take a bit of time before I was feeling drained in these ways, but God’s plans rarely match mine and this part of life is surely no different. I find myself at the end of myself already, but that’s not a bad thing.
Relying “completely” on God, for most of us, is never easy. In times when I am dealing with something bigger than me, which frankly is often, I place it at the footstool of my Lord for Him to guide and see me through. Inevitably, I take it back and try to handle it on my own. Isn’t that the way of our sin though, we want to control everything. Being at the end of myself this soon in, allows me and forces me to release any ounce of control I think I may have on helping and loving my mom through her battle and be vulnerable and broken with her. She’s fighting a battle she doesn’t went to fight and I am the driver to and from her treatments, the one who is forcing her to fight. So just as I am “forcing” my mom to fight a battle she doesn’t want to fight, God is “forcing” me to fight a battle I don’t want to fight, leaving my broken self at His footstool for His guidance, comfort and love. He is so loving, so tender, so faithful, to bring me to a place where the only way through is on my knees and face before Him. Cancer, although in many cases treatable, can not be controlled. It’s indiscriminate!
I had an image run through my mind this morning as I was thinking and lamenting about the circumstances in which we find ourselves. The image was of Moses with Aaron and Hur on either side holding up his arms. As it was the Israelites succeeded in battle when Moses’s arms were raised, but were defeated when he lowered them. God used Aaron and Hur to aid Moses thereby aiding Israel in battle. My mom needs upholding in order to fight her battle but does not yet know the Lord so as to rely on Him. He has placed me along side her though, in an act of grace, to assist her in fighting. I do trust and know God and am as Moses who oversaw the Israelites battle, fatigued and in need of help. He has entrusted me to oversee her fight and is providing me an Aaron and Hur to hold me up when I am weary and fatigued. His word and prayer are my Aaron and Hur.
Pray with me and for me, pray for my mom, for healing and strength to continue. The battle is long and hard, one that needs God’s precious saints to uplift my mom and this weary soldier to stay the course, to lay my un-doneness at His footstool and to leave it there. Just as cancer can not be battled without the aid of medicine, I can not be a beacon of hope, pointing those who know not the God of grace and love, to Him without first resting in my own weakness and relying on Him for all that I need. Of course when one battles any larger than life fight, one can not on their own. I am so thankful for the saints of God and for your devotion to Him and His people. This broken woman needs you as my broken mom needs me right now. In Christ all things are possible! He is faithful to carry us through.
I rejoice and praise God for allowing me the opportunity to serve Him, and to love my mom in such a tangible way. She has always been the one to stand by a sick person’s side, to empty herself for those she loved and now she is in need. My facing this giant with her is His blessing and my cross to bear, I have the wonderful priveledge of being at the end of myself and totally reliant on my Lord. Because a I love Him, and because I love her, I will, with joy, fall on my face before a His throne of grace and rest in His tender mercies and lovingkindness that are new every morning.