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Relying on His Tender Mercies

I knew that managing my mother’s care through her cancer battle would be taxing emotionally, exhausting physically, and spiritually bankrupting. I thought maybe it would take a bit of time before I was feeling drained in these ways, but God’s plans rarely match mine and this part of life is surely no different. I find myself at the end of myself already, but that’s not a bad thing.

Relying “completely” on God, for most of us, is never easy. In times when I am dealing with something bigger than me, which frankly is often, I place it at the footstool of my Lord for Him to guide and see me through. Inevitably, I take it back and try to handle it on my own. Isn’t that the way of our sin though, we want to control everything. Being at the end of myself this soon in, allows me and forces me to release any ounce of control I think I may have on helping and loving my mom through her battle and be vulnerable and broken with her. She’s fighting a battle she doesn’t went to fight and I am the driver to and from her treatments, the one who is forcing her to fight. So just as I am “forcing” my mom to fight a battle she doesn’t want to fight, God is “forcing” me to fight a battle I don’t want to fight, leaving my broken self at His footstool for His guidance, comfort and love. He is so loving, so tender, so faithful, to bring me to a place where the only way through is on my knees and face before Him. Cancer, although in many cases treatable, can not be controlled. It’s indiscriminate!

I had an image run through my mind this morning as I was thinking and lamenting about the circumstances in which we find ourselves. The image was of Moses with Aaron and Hur on either side holding up his arms. As it was the Israelites succeeded in battle when Moses’s arms were raised, but were defeated when he lowered them. God used Aaron and Hur to aid Moses thereby aiding Israel in battle. My mom needs upholding in order to fight her battle but does not yet know the Lord so as to rely on Him. He has placed me along side her though, in an act of grace, to assist her in fighting. I do trust and know God and am as Moses who oversaw the Israelites battle, fatigued and in need of help. He has entrusted me to oversee her fight and is providing me an Aaron and Hur to hold me up when I am weary and fatigued. His word and prayer are my Aaron and Hur.

Pray with me and for me, pray for my mom, for healing and strength to continue. The battle is long and hard, one that needs God’s precious saints to uplift my mom and this weary soldier to stay the course, to lay my un-doneness at His footstool and to leave it there. Just as cancer can not be battled without the aid of medicine, I can not be a beacon of hope, pointing those who know not the God of grace and love, to Him without first resting in my own weakness and relying on Him for all that I need. Of course when one battles any larger than life fight, one can not on their own. I am so thankful for the saints of God and for your devotion to Him and His people. This broken woman needs you as my broken mom needs me right now. In Christ all things are possible! He is faithful to carry us through.

I rejoice and praise God for allowing me the opportunity to serve Him, and to love my mom in such a tangible way. She has always been the one to stand by a sick person’s side, to empty herself for those she loved and now she is in need. My facing this giant with her is His blessing and my cross to bear, I have the wonderful priveledge of being at the end of myself and totally reliant on my Lord. Because a I love Him, and because I love her, I will, with joy, fall on my face before a His throne of grace and rest in His tender mercies and lovingkindness that are new every morning.

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Purpose, Placement, and Opportunity

Hello! I am Kimberly, a daughter of The True King, wife to an amazing man, mother to six wonderful children, daughter to an incredible mother, a sister, a niece, a cousin, and a friend. The journey here has been amazing, long, surprising and filled with much, including gain and loss.

I decided to start this blog because, well I can, and because I know that all the life that I have lived has been for a purpose and reason. There is much that I know I can share, that I hope will inspire others and most importantly, inspire myself. Right now at this point in my life I am fighting a battle that is difficult, emotionally taxing, and heavy. I am not fighting it alone though, and to me, that’s the most important part of this journey. I have my family, friends and most importantly I have God.

My dear mother has been diagnosed with cancer. Yep, that dreaded 6 letter word, CANCER! Its heart wrenching to say the least. My mother, my beautiful, strong, courageous mother is now fighting the battle of her life. It’s not like my mother hasn’t fought many a battle before now, it’s just that this one is obviously different. I stand beside her, my single mom, with two children, she raised alone from the time she was 15. I will use this blog to chronicle her struggle, my own struggles and the progress, options, and plans laid before us. I hope you will join me on this journey and the ones that follow.

Thank you for taking the time to read, pray, laugh, and cry with me and my Mom as we trudge this path together.

With Christ all things are possible!

Cancer, The Silent Scream

Cancer, The Silent Scream

It’s hard not to feel lonely watching a loved one battle cancer. The quiet that fills a silent room, or car ride is deafening. There are no words to say or comments that can lighten the mood as you drive your loved one to treatment. So you sit, in silence, and hope that your thoughts of failure, and inadequacy can’t be heard by your passenger, in this case my mother. She’s so fragile, so delicate, and I fear anything I may attempt to say will only hurt, or be misunderstood. I agonize for her, what her body is going through, what her mind is racing about, what her heart is yearning for. I am afraid that while I want her to fight and get better that the only thing she is thinking and feeling is that she wants this to all be over. “Over”, what does that mean for her? Healed, released from the body of torment and pain, or something else I can’t possible understand because I am not the one fighting this battle, she is. She’s so quiet… I wish I could crawl inside her brain and hear what she’s thinking, or curl up inside her heart and make her feel like it’s all going to be okay, but is it? I can’t let her know that though, I have to be strong for her. So again and again, I fall to my knees and pray, becuase, really, tha’ts all I can do.

Here I am, wrestling with how to help. I can’t really though… I am a mere bystander. So the best thing I can do, is Love…. I’ll love her through, till there is no more through to love her to. I’ll be her punching bag, her eyes, her ears, her confidant if ever she wants to cry, or talk, or whatever. I am just as helpless as I am sure she feels. Helpless to take cancer by the throat and choke it till it dies. Cancer, the silent scream coming from within a battered body, feeble mind and tender heart. We all die someday, I am just not ready for that someday to be some day soon. So on my knees again I go. I lift up my mother to the ONLY healer who can and is able to rip this thief away from her, God.

Be of good cheer and know that what ever battle you are facing, you are not alone. Even me, the bystander, am not alone. I am thankful for my dear family and friends who are loving me, while I lover her, and praying for us both. I covet your prayers.

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